My rebirth story pt. 1
Part 1: The Wakeup Call
As I sit down to write this, I keep wondering how far back I should go in sharing this story but I think the best place to really start is well, the beginning. As far back as I can remember, I was always convinced I would die at 25. It was never a morbid thing or a sad thing. It just… was. People would ask what I wanted to do when I grew up and I would answer with something that sounded thought out, but in the back of my mind, I always “knew” it wouldn’t matter. I was truly incapable of thinking about my life beyond 25. I never had a vision for post college life, getting married, applying for a long term job, growing old… and the strangest part is that I wasn’t bothered by it. But more on that later...
Lack of a voice
Growing up, I had a pretty great life in a lot of ways. I grew up in a beautiful city in California, I spent summers visiting family in Europe. On paper, as with most things in my life, things looked perfect. However, as do most of us, I had a lot more going on under the surface. My dad and I used to butt heads constantly growing up. I came to dread dinner times because it was a time we had to sit together and it was usually a constant barrage of how my grades weren’t good enough (even when they were straight A’s), the way I spoke, dressed, who I hung out with. I came to realize that the best way to preserve my mental and emotional health was to stay silent, which became a big theme throughout most of my life. That’s not to say that all my issues come from my father, because that’s definitely not the case. In fact, we have a much closer and healthier relationship these days as we have both worked through things over the years. It’s more to start the process of explaining the pattern of silence and doubt that I have carried with me since an early age.
“It’s amazing how something as seemingly minor as dinner can carry over and shape our responses years later. To this day I can get weird about meal times and have had to fight the urge to distract myself with my phone or the tv. It takes active intention to remain present and engaged, trusting that I am safe and able to relax.”
Another, much more apparent way, that this lack of a voice presented itself was in a physical manifestation. I regularly had laryngitis, bronchitis, strep throat, trouble swallowing, you name it and I just kind of chalked it up to normal things that people go through. I now know about the very real physical representation of energetic issues and know most of those came from a very out of aligned throat chakra and of course, a very high toxic load. Having to explain and advocate for an invisible chronic illness that people can’t see and don’t understand was the cherry on top. The Universe really does have a sense of humor.
Attempting to find myself
I have been called an old soul for as long as I can remember and I didn’t really know what that meant until I was in high school. I have always seen things through a different lens and struggled to reconcile the innate wisdom I have with the human experience I am living. Having thought I was going to die after college, my high school mindset was all over the place. I got good grades, but didn’t push myself, and hadn’t thought much at all about where or what I would do once graduating. I ended up at a college fair where I was introduced to my now Alma Mater, Juniata College. It checked all the boxes for me - with the most notable one being that it was almost as far away from my hometown as possible without leaving the U.S.. I knew that this was the place for me, even when I didn’t know why beyond the immediate knowledge that leaving everything I knew and going to a school with entirely new people, in an area I didn’t know, was the path I needed to be on. It ended up being the greatest gift I could have given myself. A place where I uncovered layers in me I didn’t know existed, met incredible people, and learned so much more than I could ever put into words. But of course, I will do my best. ;)
During my first 2 years at college I was thriving in a lot of ways but I was also struggling a lot physically. I had horrible fatigue and would sleep 20+ hours a day on the weekends, have random panic attacks, food sensitivities, skin issues, bloating, etc. Again, I chalked it up to having a full course load, multiple jobs, and the fact that I always been a tired kid with food sensitivities so a few more issues weren’t anything I couldn’t handle. Since I was no longer living under constant stress aka fight or flight, I still felt healthier than I had in a long time. It’s funny just how much we are able to consider “normal”.
It was during that time that I casually met Steve a few days before heading back for my sophomore year. We kept in touch and went on to date long distance for 3 whole years! There is so much to our story together that I am writing an entire blog on the dynamics of navigating a relationship and chronic illness, but suffice it to say, looking back now, 7 years later, I can confidently say that we have been to hell and back together and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Germany: Rebirth attempt #1
My junior year of college I studied abroad in Germany. My plan was to be gone the entire year, but I ended up only being there a couple of months. The summer leading up to Germany was an eventful one. I knew my health wasn’t where I wanted it to be and I spent that summer working with a naturopath to get everything in line. Sweet story - Steve was a videographer at the time and traded video work for her treating me since I wasn’t making a ton of money at the time and was saving it all for going abroad. What a guy! It was through her that I first figured out I had Lyme disease, parasites and issues with heavy metals. By the time I was ready to head to Germany, I was feeling a lot better. I still wasn’t 100% but again, I was stubborn and had an attitude of my health always being “good enough” and me being strong enough to push through. I now know that me not taking the time to fully and properly resolve these things was a huge contributor to my issues this time around, almost exactly 5 years later.
Leading up to my trip, I received so many signs that I was not listening to my intuition or body. I had issues packing, getting what I needed, finishing up paperwork etc. What did I do? Ignored them, of course. When the day came to go to the airport, I had to follow Steve around because I felt so off that I couldn't even find my way to security - even though I’d been flying by myself in and out of SFO since I was 9. Once again, I ignored the signs. I also had crippling anxiety on the flight which never happened and things did not improve once I got to Germany.
Once there, my health rapidly deteriorated. Between the mental side and the toll of travel, new exposures, water, etc. I had flared up all of the parasites and other issues I had not spent the time to fully resolve. Over those months, I ended up weighing around 80 pounds, couldn’t keep any food or water down, and had horrible insomnia and panic attacks. I remember laying in bed watching the light start to come in, exhausted to my bones and yet unable to close my eyes for longer than a few seconds out of fear that something terrible would happen. This went on for weeks and weeks until I could barely function. The final straw came when I was walking around our little downtown with some friends and we stopped in a bakery. I started to feel really lightheaded and had to go sit outside to get some fresh air. I ended up getting so sick and had to climb into some bushes to try and hide that I was throwing up since there were families walking by. It was a gloomy day and I remember going back to sit down at a table in the rain, wondering what life had in store for me.
“What could I do from here? Did I accept that this was my life or was it time to make a change? Maybe it really was time to face my healing head on and stop making excuses for why I didn’t deserve to be healthy...”
the dream
I asked for a sign and that night was the first night I actually slept. Not just slept, but had deep vivid dreams as well. To this day I can still remember one dream specifically as though I had it last night. I was in a room where an entire wall was covered with what looked like IKEA bookcases with varying shelves. On one shelf there was a coffee pot that I was trying to get to work (I don’t drink or like coffee so in my dream I knew this was strange) and I was looking around for outlets to plug it into. I eventually saw there was a tiny gap between the shelves where an outlet could just be reached. When I finally got better access to it, I saw there was about every outlet known to man - from USB’s to international plugs to headphone jacks, you name it. But of course, no regular U.S outlet. Eventually I was able to haphazardly connect a few different cords with knots and duct tape to match one of the outlet options I had, but when I plugged in the coffee machine, orange juice started flowing out of it. Ridiculous, right??
Well, it was a pretty perfect way to show me how many ways I was trying to make something fit that really, was just not meant to be. Furthermore, if you are into symbolism in dreams - making orange juice is a sign of needing to take care of yourself and nourish/heal yourself and fresh orange juice is a sign that good things are coming and the bad is leaving. Pretty crazy, huh? So this was a big wakeup call for me. I took the dream to mean that I clearly needed to put in a lot of attention and work on myself to heal. I could stay in Germany and continue to haphazardly connect things to barely make it work, or I could trust that I had fulfilled my purpose of being there and it was time to head back to The States.
time for a change
Even knowing all that, I still gave it the ol’ college try. After that dream I attempted to resolve my medical issues there but, to make a long story short, it was almost impossible to focus on that and a full course load in a different language that I had only just learned. I was spending 4 hours a day on a train to go to a medical center where, even then, they didn’t understand Lyme and told me I was dehydrated and allergic to gluten but wanted me back multiple times a week to give me IV’s. Eventually I made the tough decision to head back to California and take the rest of the semester off on medical leave.
It was a really hard time for me. I felt like a failure. Like I was lazy and quitting something that I had put so much work and money and effort into. That I would regret not pushing through to enjoy my experience abroad like everyone else. I had to keep reminding myself that my mental and physical health were most important and that if I listened to the signs, trusted in the powers that be and “connected + plugged everything in”... orange juice would be flowing, baby!
Once I got back home, I began the process of really focusing on getting my health back in line and returning to my body. That time in my life is actually where the first iteration of this blog was born! I was learning so much that I wanted a place to store all the information since #brainfog. It was also an incredible way to connect to the community because at the time - 2015 - there really wasn’t a ton out there about Lyme and healing from chronic illness. I shared tons of recipes, wellness tips etc. and the blog really took off! It felt amazing to be healing, sharing, learning and connecting. I felt like I finally had a purpose after such a dark and trying time.
The next chapter…
Now, that all sounds great, doesn't it? A huge wakeup call, turning that experience into an opportunity to learn and heal myself along with educating others… doesn’t seem like there’s much more to the story. But alas... there is so much more. Unfortunately, life isn’t always that simple and as much as I wish I had stood by all the lessons I learned from that experience, I didn’t. In the years that followed I got comfortable and strayed away from my healing and purpose once again - and that is what I will dive into in part 2!